(Please don't judge me by this post. This was hard for me to write, but since this is pretty much my only journal, I have felt the need to record the honest feelings I have had in the past several months.)
Ever since I announced I was pregnant again, everyone asks me the normal question: "Are you excited?!" O always answer "Yes," but that hasn't been entirely true. I am so nervous for this baby that I don't feel like I am very excited. I am nervous because Brock is only 15 months old and is still a baby in many ways, and just like every mom, I often feel like I am inadequate and not being as good of a mom as I should be. If I feel like I am failing as a mom to one child, how can I be a good mom to TWO?!
I am only 23 years old, but in those years, I have learned that things don't always go the way I expect them to. I should continue to keep this in mind, because when Blair and I found out we were expecting again, we were shocked because another baby so close to Brock was definitely not in the plans.I have had quite a hard time accepting the big changes that will be coming our way within a few short weeks.
Overwhelmed. Incapable. Discouraged. Those are a few of the things I have often felt throughout this pregnancy. Every 2-3 days I have a break down and just start crying in Blair's arms because I don't feel like I am ready or capable of taking on the challenge of having two kids so close. I don't feel ready or prepared.
So many people have asked me lately if I'm ready to have the baby. Well, my body certainly is, but mentally and emotionally, I'm not. I am so done being pregnant. I was pregnant with Brock for 9 months, not pregnant for only 7 months, before I found out I was pregnant again and have been for almost 9 months...so yes, I'm ready to not be pregnant anymore! But I know how much easier my life is now compared to how it will be when I have 2 little boys, so no, I am not ready in that sense.
I really am just scared. I'm scared of neglecting Brock or the baby as I try to take care of the other one. I'm scared of how Brock will or won't adjust to the new baby. I'm scared that I won't adjust well and will neglect other important things in my life. I'm scared of requiring too much of Blair as he will still be trying to do well in school.
I'm just scared because I feel inadequate and unprepared to become a mother of two.
And I'll be completely honest with you too. I think the best mothers are the ones that never think they are good enough. Cuz they usually are, and they always keep trying, and pushing, and serving to be better and better.
ReplyDeleteYou're so brave, K! I think it's totally okay and totally normal for you to feel all of the things you're feeling. The move, and the new baby, and all of the changes probably are very overwhelming. But once you are holding that new baby, and once you see how much Brock loves him, it will all calm down. You'll see that you are naturally blessed to know what to do, and how to be a mommy to 2. You probably had no idea how many motherly skills you were equipped with until Brock came along, and you'll just learn more with the 2nd baby. I love you!!!
ReplyDeleteRemember Katie...LOVE IS MULTIPLIED NOT DIVIDED! Look how much fun Brock is.....this baby will double your fun! Yes, there will be crazy days but you will be OK. Nothing else will be as important right now as being a mom. Everything else on your plate can wait. You have an additional advantage....your earthly father is helping you from the other side. You might not feel his arms around you but he is there. And you will be surprised at how much love Brock will give the baby. He is too young to really know jealousy. Remember you are loved by so many. And I certainly understand your feelings (I've been there too). Love you tons. JZ
ReplyDeleteKate I feel the same way and Thomas is two, and I am not expecting. I think this is completely normal!! Don't feel bad for being a human being! What you are currently doing and about to do is exhausting. Allow yourself to be overwhelmed and feel those emotions with no guilt attached. You can do it lady!!
ReplyDeleteHugs. Know how you feel. Been there, felt that. You don't know it yet, but you will be amazing. You will not only manage, but will do so splendidly, and will look back in awe and wonder how you did it. You. Will. Rock This!
ReplyDeleteKatelyn, you're going to be amazing! I remember you working full-time at a busy job with a ton on your plate as a busy mom ... and you handled it all just fine! That'll be true with this new baby, too :)
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