5 Years

My dad passed away just over 5 years ago. Sometimes I can't believe it has been that long, other times, it has felt like an eternity since I've seen him. He has missed so much in those 5 years: 2 new son in-laws, 6 new grandchildren, 3 BYU graduations, moves for Mom, Kelsey, and me, and lots of other things.

There are countless things about him that I miss. His infectious smile, his twinkling eyes, how he would stick out his tongue when he was concentrating, his generosity, the smell of his cologne, and most of all, my talks with him. During my first semester at BYU I would talk to him at least 3 times a day, just to chat mostly. After he passed away, I still found myself reaching for my phone between classes to call him and chat. It took me more than 2 years to redo my speed dials and take off his number.

I wish so often that I could talk to him and ask his thoughts about different things. I wonder if he is proud of me and the choices I've made in my life. I wish he could have met Blair. I wish he could come visit and spend time with Brock and Jett.

I still remember that December so clearly. I remember leaving my statistics final to see a missed call from each of my sisters and my mom and a voice mail telling me Dad was in the hospital. I remember Kelsey, Shaun, and me trying to rush to Oregon as soon as our finals were over (Emily was already there) because the doctors weren't sure how long he would still be around.

I remember seeing him in his hospital bed, bringing back hard memories from  four years earlier. I remember the miracle it was that he was able to come home Christmas morning and spend the whole day with us.

I also remember my mom calling 9-1-1 and the horrible feeling I had that Dad wasn't going to be coming back home. Emily and Kelsey followed the ambulance while Christina and I made some phone calls. We headed to the hospital a few hours later. I remember hearing the doctors calling "code" for his room number before I was even able to see him. I remember sitting in the special family waiting room while they were working really hard to save him. I remember the doctors coming in and telling us that he didn't make it. I remember seeing him and realizing I could never talk to him again and seek his wise counsel.

There are several more things I remember about that night and the next several days. It's amazing how clear those memories are even though they are 5 years old. There are still many times that I want to call him up and tell him about a big achievement, exciting news, or another milestone.

But when I see the dimples in Brock's and Jett's chin, I can't help but smile and be happy they get that from their Papa. Brock loves to blow kisses and it makes me so happy every day to see him point to a picture and say "Papa" and blow him kisses. (He also points to a picture of Jesus and will say "Jesus" and blow Him kisses.

I truly believe that both my sons were able to spend time with their Papa before they were born and that brings me so much comfort. The thought that he was able to teach them and maybe even warn them about our crazy family makes me smile.Even though he can't be here with them throughout their life, I love knowing that he was still a great grandpa to them before they were born.

Even though I miss him so much and wish he could have been around for so many things, I am grateful the time I did have with him. I am so lucky to have such a wonderful dad who I always knew loved me. I'm grateful for the great memories I have of him and for his constant support.

Thanks for being the best dad I could have ever had! I miss you so much. I love you Dad!